Dear Readers,
First off, sorry for the wait :)
For the past few weeks I have been experiencing what one might
call a revelation, an acknowledgment of my current circumstances.
About two or three days after my last
post I had a bit of a breakdown. We all have experienced racing thoughts of… “What
am I…? What will I do if…? Why did I ? Why can’t I…?” Negativity, frustration,
and disappointment. Three words I try to eliminate from my mind J haha
KEY FACT: “The past has nothing to
do with who you are right now at this very moment or who you can be in five
minutes from now or who you will be tomorrow.” T. Skripkauskas
After a long shower and good talk, I came to
my senses. I was initially reluctant to my consciousness, seeing as it forced
me to distinguish a few of my most critical character collapses. The major
problem besides being a hypocrite was that I had a hard head. I was stubborn; stubborn
to accept myself, my faults, and even my vast potential.
KEY FACT: “Personal development emanates
from a series of events: being completely aware of oneself, appreciating oneself,
and then devotedly loving oneself in all that one can be.” M. Thomas
I believe in change. I believe in
personal development. I believe that we are only limited by ourselves. Though I
believe all of these fundamental ideas of success and happiness, until recently
I have not been applying them to my own life. Once I realized what was causing
me so much mental mayhem, I asked myself one question (actually a close friend
put me on the spot):
“if you
weren’t doing what you are doing right at this moment, what would you rather be
doing?”
This two faced card of a question; simply
answered, but obnoxiously complex in understanding/application. Or at least
that is how I felt at that very moment. I rattled off a few responses
immediately, with absolutely no thought, vividly visualizing each act as I
explained: “dancing in a huge open room with floor to ceiling windows and
mirrors,” “painting… on a huge canvas with brilliant colors full of emotion,” “or
maybe cooking a deliciously intricate meal or just sweating my ass off on the
beach in the hot sun!”
Though I was full of flustered
thoughts, at that moment I heard a crisp, echoing “ding!!” in my head. I felt
an immediate sort of calm come over my body, but in the next minute an encompassing
fear, uncertainness, and frustration settling in. I started to grasp these were
all things I have always wanted to do, not only do but excel in and make a
career of. However, I hadn’t before taken any of them seriously. In the midst
of all this self-discovery, I began to understand that this was a moment of
clarity for me. This was my time to become “completely aware of myself.”
So as it goes, since that moment, I
have been working on not only “appreciating myself,” but “devotedly loving” who
and what I am becoming.
I know my past has nothing to do
with who I am at this very moment; if I f****d something up 5 minutes ago, it
is all good because 5 minutes ago doesn’t have to affect right now. I know not
to stress the future, mainly because the law of attraction. (topic for another
day) I also know that we are meant to live, breathe, and thrive in the present,
in the now.
So maybe some of you are curious, what
are you doing with the list of “things I’d rather be doing…?”
Well, I began stretching daily and
studying some various dance techniques, as well as searching for that big open
studio to practice in. I have accomplished my first few paintings EVER, a few
watercolors and a small notebook canvas to get used to the techniques (will
post pics this weekend*). I have also
set aside a notebook for recipes, which I hope to complete and publish by the
beginning of next year. I’m thinking about “Bombshells’ Guide to Fit Eating.” J Oh and for
sweating my ass off… I actually have been researching the world of Fitness
Modeling and Competitions lately, so my next task is to begin revamping my body
head to toe. Yay! J
I must say that my slight collapse a
few weeks ago was the most eye-opening and rewarding insight I have ever had. I
am now free of the qualms, insecurities, and dissatisfactions of the past.
Loving myself more and more each day, I can slowly let go of my apprehensions
for the future and finally enjoy life completely in God’s present, the now.
I hope you all have taken something
from this post or if not, can pass along the wisdom and help someone you know,
as they too reach for their most heartfelt ambitions.
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